Wednesday, March 24, 2010

the more things change, the more they stay the same...

2010 has arrived, I turned the dreaded 30, friends gained and lost, battle of the bulge waged and lost, all the while attempting to regain my identity and spirit. It's been an interesting couple of months.

Emily and Jake are good. Growing and challenging me every day. Jake will be five on Saturday, Emily six and a half. Every morning I wake feeling good about my ability to be a good mother, and every night I go to sleep feeling like a failure.

Ive spent entirely too much time at the local watering hole, not really drinking my cares away but more to just get away, and that happens to be where acquaintances and friends happen to be. Many of them are single and don't have a care in the world, which is sometimes fun to live vicariously through.

I reunited with my brother, whom I had not seen since he was five years old. Jake's age. He is so much like my dad it is scary. I feel sorry for him having been raised by my father, who is an alcoholic and abusive. His mother was also an addict, and abusive as well. The kid has had a tough life. He doesn't expect much out of his life or from himself. That's hard to take. It breaks my heart. I only hope that maybe I can be some sort of an example to him. That he doesn't have to go down the same path to nowhere our father did. That he can be something. That he is worth it. We will see. I am hoping to bring him here for a weekend.

I am still a stay at home mom, which at the present time is going through some debate. Emily will be in school full time next fall and Jake will be in kindergarten. The time has come for me to decide what to do with my next 30 years. The decision to go back to work largely does not depend on child care now, as it is waaaay cheaper to board children rather than babies. And with the addition of school, more feasable for me to go back. I don't know. The thought of going back into the rat race scares the hell out of me. However if I would get to go back to the last law firm I worked in, things wouldn't be all that bad.

It seems the tables have come back around as it seems they always do.

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