edited reality

I had lunch today with one of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while. We've been friends since senior year in high school, and if anyone would have told me that we would still be friends into our late 2o's and almost 30's, I wouldn't have believed them. She just went through - well, actually still going through - a divorce, and it has actually taken it's toll on G and I to. Her husband was G's friend in high school and college, and that's how we met. The 4 of us were great friends, moved to the same town, got married, had kids the whole nine. When their marriage fell apart, I got stuck in the middle, as I always do, and, long story short, the four of us split in half. So anyway, they have both gone onto date seriously other people, which is fine, but I don't think anyone is telling the whole story.

I don't think anyone communicates fully with anyone anymore. Even now, as I type, I am holding back certain information. I wish there was no reason to edit anything - thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, - just let it all out. But there is no possibility of this.

So friend and I were having lunch today, and I felt like she was holding back, not saying what she wanted to, and not opening up about what was really going on. I felt the same way.

When did it all change? When did it become uncomfortable to speak the truth?

Mostly

So my son's 3rd birthday party was today. G and I went out last night and lets just say that the thought of turning down another drink never crossed my mind. So i dragged myself out of bed at 10 a.m., pretty sure I was still tipsy at that point, and faced the day. I had shopping to do, decorations to put up, balloons to buy. I felt (feel) completely awful, but I made it through. G's parents showed up with the kids at about noon, and my mom showed up shortly after. Hamburgers were had, cake was eaten, all and all a good afternoon.

For whatever reason Jake turning 3 has been difficult for me. My little guy is growing up so fast, it's painful sometimes. There are so many things I can't remember - things I thought I would never forget, and as time passes, it seems like its all just one really long day. Emily turning 5 will be heart wrentching. I try to imagine what things will be like when they are older, how I will help them deal with the things I know life will inevitably throw at them. How I will be able to raise them to be good people in this mostly horrible world. It's a grim outlook, but it's real.

For now, getting through the temper tantrums, the negotiating and compromise, the melt downs and time-out's is tough enough. I just hope we all make it out alive.

Blog

So I have never blogged before. I read them. I'm not really sure what to write - generally I feel like I don't have a ton to say - however, I am sure that will change.