Looking on the bright side...

I have been feeling like the proverbial "negative nancy" lately. Feeling sorry for myself, my situation, blah, blah, blah. I should be kicked for feeling that way. Ex. 1. Friend who has children with multiple developmental problems and as I read about her daily struggles, it makes me realize how fortunate I am to have two healthy children. Ex. 2. Friend who's husband's best friend had a massive stroke. He has two small children. How can I complain about G when he is healthy, hard working, a great father, and has been trying ever so hard lately to make me happy? Ex. 3. Anyone and everyone I know who can't find work. I chose to come back to work. Not because I had to. Because I wanted to. I knew it would be tight financially because of the full time daycare needed in the summer. I know the cost will go down in two months. We have two incomes when some families are struggling to find just one.

Someone should seriously put me in my place.

Done

I'm truly, truly over it. The more we try, the more we seem to fail. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally. I feel like my marriage is in shambles. The more I try to revamp my priorities, I become side tracked. Not necessarily on purpose. Well, maybe on purpose. I find it easier to deal with other things rather than those closest to my heart. My return to work has been a lot harder than I thought, especially now that the kids are out of school for the summer. Friends who I thought were friends I am finding out only used me and never really were true. Then there are the "fair weather" friends. God forbid I need a favor. God forbid I ask you to stick around with me. I miss my real friends. Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult, and maintain friendships that were so dear to me before real life kicked in? Why can't I stop myself from trying to please everyone even though I'm really not a "people pleaser" and neglect to please those who I really should be pleasing. Does that even make sense? I feel so completely and totally inadequate in everything. I can't even sleep or eat correctly. Gigantic FAIL in life right now.

the more things change, the more they stay the same...

2010 has arrived, I turned the dreaded 30, friends gained and lost, battle of the bulge waged and lost, all the while attempting to regain my identity and spirit. It's been an interesting couple of months.

Emily and Jake are good. Growing and challenging me every day. Jake will be five on Saturday, Emily six and a half. Every morning I wake feeling good about my ability to be a good mother, and every night I go to sleep feeling like a failure.

Ive spent entirely too much time at the local watering hole, not really drinking my cares away but more to just get away, and that happens to be where acquaintances and friends happen to be. Many of them are single and don't have a care in the world, which is sometimes fun to live vicariously through.

I reunited with my brother, whom I had not seen since he was five years old. Jake's age. He is so much like my dad it is scary. I feel sorry for him having been raised by my father, who is an alcoholic and abusive. His mother was also an addict, and abusive as well. The kid has had a tough life. He doesn't expect much out of his life or from himself. That's hard to take. It breaks my heart. I only hope that maybe I can be some sort of an example to him. That he doesn't have to go down the same path to nowhere our father did. That he can be something. That he is worth it. We will see. I am hoping to bring him here for a weekend.

I am still a stay at home mom, which at the present time is going through some debate. Emily will be in school full time next fall and Jake will be in kindergarten. The time has come for me to decide what to do with my next 30 years. The decision to go back to work largely does not depend on child care now, as it is waaaay cheaper to board children rather than babies. And with the addition of school, more feasable for me to go back. I don't know. The thought of going back into the rat race scares the hell out of me. However if I would get to go back to the last law firm I worked in, things wouldn't be all that bad.

It seems the tables have come back around as it seems they always do.

Alabama

So I am heading to Alabama. I say I am going alone, however I am going with my mother and sister in-law. So, to me that is mostly alone. I plan on being plugged into my mp3 player and journaling during the 11 hour car ride. I will not be able to smoke, and there will be very little by way of alcohol refreshment going on, so apparently we will see how my body functions without these two additives for 5 whole days. G will be heading the household and attending to the babysitting kids. I am very worried about the state my house will be in when I return, however, I'm really trying hard to block it out. I have a lot to think about, and I am sure that this is what the doc ordered.

“It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore, I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, ' I am lonely.' I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are, you make it hard.”

Quickly...

okay, I guess being 29 isn't that bad. I did have a great time with my friends on the 6th to have dinner and dancing. but I'm still not happy about it, but apparently there isn't a damn thing I can do about it!

Amanda, April, Me Me and Pineapple! Me and Rhiannon!

My Birthday

So today is my birthday. My 29th birthday. Wow, I can't believe I said it out loud. I don't know why, but I am not handling this well. I know that I have done so much, achieved so much, grown so much but for some reason I don't feel as if anything I have done has made any kind of difference, and I feel very much like I am behind. And that I have missed out on a ton of things. It's weird. To be this old. I remember when I was 5 and couldn't wait until I was 10. When I was 10 I was dying to be 13. When I hit 13 I wanted to be 16, and when I was 16 I wanted to be 18. Not that I am 29, it feels like I have accomplished most of what I set out to accomplish in the beginning, and there's not a whole lot left for me to do. Perhaps it time to set new goals, and to accomplish new things. But really I think I'm too lazy...