so annoyed...

People annoy the piss out of me sometimes.  I'm no freaking angel or perfect by any means, but sometimes I just cannot believe the sheer level of dumb asses that have forged down on this world.  There are no bounds.  Pure unadulterated dumbass-edness is infecting everything.  We live in this world where everyone thinks they are entitled to anything, anyone, and expect that it they are untouchable.  It seems like basic core values and decency have completely disappeared and we're left with people (and I use this term very loosely) who live life without any thought or consequence.  The current target of my, shall we say, 'anger' are those who misuse and abuse and use the system.  And by the system I mean any form of government aid being funded my my tax dollars.  Those on disability who can work.  Those on welfare who are unable to budget the funds they do have and allocate things like nail care and salon visits as a 'necessity'.  People who live beyond their means and are granted bankruptcy and after 7 years do it all over again.  There are so many, so very many out there who could benefit from any number of programs, bailouts or assistance but who have too much of a work ethic and conscious to take advantage of any of it.  So they (we) trudge on, saving, smartly spending, working, and providing for ourselves.  OMFG it makes be sooooooo angry.  I am going to be that crabby old lady refusing help from anyone on my porch yelling at everything that walks and 'these kids today'... wait, what? When did this happen?

Once Again...

I've been put in my place... how in the world can I feel so down about my life when a family just lost their little boy to cancer... I am ashamed of such self importance. My heart is breaking for the Bish Family, whom I was introduced to through my cousin Lara Foster, but I could not imagine going through the loss of a... child. How dare I wallow in such self pity when there are others suffering way more than I... http://www.schoedinger.com/obituaries/Samuel-Bish/

On a lighter, and thankful note...

Emily will start 1st grade on Wednesday, and Jake will start school on Friday. It's so hard to believe my babies will both be in school. Jake is in the all day kindergarten class because he struggled a bit with his assessment. Though he has been in tutoring all summer, his progress has been slow, but I am sure that with all day kindergarten and additional tutoring weekly with Miss Kelly, he will be on his way. Getting two kids ready for school has been interesting, to say the least, and now we have cheerleading and sports schedules to keep track of to make sure everyone gets where they are supposed to be on time. Emily is becoming so grown up, but I am reminded a lot of the time of what a little girl she still is. It scares me to think about getting her through the next 10 plus years, to have her grow into the wonderful woman I know she can be. How huge of a challenge it is to be a mom!

Looking on the bright side...

I have been feeling like the proverbial "negative nancy" lately. Feeling sorry for myself, my situation, blah, blah, blah. I should be kicked for feeling that way. Ex. 1. Friend who has children with multiple developmental problems and as I read about her daily struggles, it makes me realize how fortunate I am to have two healthy children. Ex. 2. Friend who's husband's best friend had a massive stroke. He has two small children. How can I complain about G when he is healthy, hard working, a great father, and has been trying ever so hard lately to make me happy? Ex. 3. Anyone and everyone I know who can't find work. I chose to come back to work. Not because I had to. Because I wanted to. I knew it would be tight financially because of the full time daycare needed in the summer. I know the cost will go down in two months. We have two incomes when some families are struggling to find just one.

Someone should seriously put me in my place.

Done

I'm truly, truly over it. The more we try, the more we seem to fail. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally. I feel like my marriage is in shambles. The more I try to revamp my priorities, I become side tracked. Not necessarily on purpose. Well, maybe on purpose. I find it easier to deal with other things rather than those closest to my heart. My return to work has been a lot harder than I thought, especially now that the kids are out of school for the summer. Friends who I thought were friends I am finding out only used me and never really were true. Then there are the "fair weather" friends. God forbid I need a favor. God forbid I ask you to stick around with me. I miss my real friends. Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult, and maintain friendships that were so dear to me before real life kicked in? Why can't I stop myself from trying to please everyone even though I'm really not a "people pleaser" and neglect to please those who I really should be pleasing. Does that even make sense? I feel so completely and totally inadequate in everything. I can't even sleep or eat correctly. Gigantic FAIL in life right now.

the more things change, the more they stay the same...

2010 has arrived, I turned the dreaded 30, friends gained and lost, battle of the bulge waged and lost, all the while attempting to regain my identity and spirit. It's been an interesting couple of months.

Emily and Jake are good. Growing and challenging me every day. Jake will be five on Saturday, Emily six and a half. Every morning I wake feeling good about my ability to be a good mother, and every night I go to sleep feeling like a failure.

Ive spent entirely too much time at the local watering hole, not really drinking my cares away but more to just get away, and that happens to be where acquaintances and friends happen to be. Many of them are single and don't have a care in the world, which is sometimes fun to live vicariously through.

I reunited with my brother, whom I had not seen since he was five years old. Jake's age. He is so much like my dad it is scary. I feel sorry for him having been raised by my father, who is an alcoholic and abusive. His mother was also an addict, and abusive as well. The kid has had a tough life. He doesn't expect much out of his life or from himself. That's hard to take. It breaks my heart. I only hope that maybe I can be some sort of an example to him. That he doesn't have to go down the same path to nowhere our father did. That he can be something. That he is worth it. We will see. I am hoping to bring him here for a weekend.

I am still a stay at home mom, which at the present time is going through some debate. Emily will be in school full time next fall and Jake will be in kindergarten. The time has come for me to decide what to do with my next 30 years. The decision to go back to work largely does not depend on child care now, as it is waaaay cheaper to board children rather than babies. And with the addition of school, more feasable for me to go back. I don't know. The thought of going back into the rat race scares the hell out of me. However if I would get to go back to the last law firm I worked in, things wouldn't be all that bad.

It seems the tables have come back around as it seems they always do.

Alabama

So I am heading to Alabama. I say I am going alone, however I am going with my mother and sister in-law. So, to me that is mostly alone. I plan on being plugged into my mp3 player and journaling during the 11 hour car ride. I will not be able to smoke, and there will be very little by way of alcohol refreshment going on, so apparently we will see how my body functions without these two additives for 5 whole days. G will be heading the household and attending to the babysitting kids. I am very worried about the state my house will be in when I return, however, I'm really trying hard to block it out. I have a lot to think about, and I am sure that this is what the doc ordered.

“It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore, I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, ' I am lonely.' I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are, you make it hard.”

Quickly...

okay, I guess being 29 isn't that bad. I did have a great time with my friends on the 6th to have dinner and dancing. but I'm still not happy about it, but apparently there isn't a damn thing I can do about it!

Amanda, April, Me Me and Pineapple! Me and Rhiannon!

My Birthday

So today is my birthday. My 29th birthday. Wow, I can't believe I said it out loud. I don't know why, but I am not handling this well. I know that I have done so much, achieved so much, grown so much but for some reason I don't feel as if anything I have done has made any kind of difference, and I feel very much like I am behind. And that I have missed out on a ton of things. It's weird. To be this old. I remember when I was 5 and couldn't wait until I was 10. When I was 10 I was dying to be 13. When I hit 13 I wanted to be 16, and when I was 16 I wanted to be 18. Not that I am 29, it feels like I have accomplished most of what I set out to accomplish in the beginning, and there's not a whole lot left for me to do. Perhaps it time to set new goals, and to accomplish new things. But really I think I'm too lazy...

My Kids, part two...

Hunter Jacob. We call him Jake. He is my guy. So hilarious, such a little bad ass! He's got my red hair, my Irish temper, and a charm that could knock your socks off (he gets that from G)!!!



It's a real bitch having a sister who dresses you up!!











He has a new talent for throwing fits, throwing anything he can get his hands on, and dressing up like Spiderman. He committed his first "murder" at age 3, when he threw Emily's hamster up into the ceiling fan, catapulting the poor thing down the hall and bring about his untimely death. He was known as the "hamster killer" for a while before I had to explain to Emily that it's not necessarily a good nickname to be saddled with so early on...

Jake also has "Jake babies" which have been in his belly, growing, eating, and taking the blame for all of the bad behavior over the last year. Just ask him. "Jake, what's in your belly?" Jake: my babies. "What kind of babies?" Jake: Jake babies. "How many are there?" Jake: 3. And they are going to pop out of my belly. "When?" Jake: When they are ready. Emily is very discouraged because these so called babies have not popped out yet, and the fact that boys can't have babies.

This is Jake's ear piercing sequence. (I didn't actually pierce his ears, but the girls at Claire's humored him, and I got a ton of disgusted looks at the mall, which i enjoyed immensely!) He insisted that he get his ears pierced too, and after picking out a magnetic fake diamond that looked HUGE on his little ear, he proudly got pierced. He even flinched when she "pierced" him.

You want to talk about laughing until you pee yourself, let me just tell you!










He is a character. To say the least! Jake, you are going to be a heartthrob when you grow up and I love you sooooo much. You'll always be my boy.

My Kids

This post is all about my kids. They are awesome. They drive me crazy sometimes... okay, a lot, but they are awesome.


This is my Pete when she was about 5 months old. She didn't have any hair until she was about 2, so I used to scotch tape bows to her head! She now has a full head of hair that I threaten to cut every day because she cries when I brush it. She is so much like me it is scary. I wished for a strong, independent girl, and wow did I get my wish. I can see her having a rough go at life and I just hope I am prepared to help her to handle that. I can already see that she has a different view on things than most other kids and tends to be a little bit of a pariah when she is in a group of kids. I was the same way. It's a hard way to be.















This is the ear piercing sequence. She was quite content holding that mouse, and let us mark and
remark her ears several times. But as you see, she began to get a little worried...












And then...

Holy crap what the hell are you doing to me????

Incidentally, she has recently taken those earrings out. She wouldn't let me clean them. So, I took them out and she wouldn't let me put them back in. Strong will.





Ahhh, the 5th birthday. The one i swore she would never make it to. But she did, and so did I, amazingly enough. She is beginning to be more cooperative, and I am trying very hard not to treat her the way I was treated as a child. I refused to go along with the flow if it interrupted my life, and in the process was told a lot that things were my fault and I "ruined it" for everyone. I think there was a better way to teach me the those life lessons, and I have vowed to do that with her. So cheers to you Pete, I love you more than words, and I am so glad you are the way you are. Don't ever, ever, feel bad for it.

HUNTER JACOB - Jake

Getting there - a day at a time...

So let's see, the start of the new year wasn't the greatest for me. Since the whole infidelity thing came out into the open, I am very happy to say that the two said friends are working on their life together and it seems that things are looking up for them. I don't know anything, however, because male spouse hates me and female spouse/friend hasn't really talked to me much since said infidelity disclosure. I understand that they are trying to quietly work things out between each other, I get it. But it makes me feel as if I have served my purpose and am no longer needed or wanted. I invited female spouse/friend for drinks one day last week, and she couldn't go, was tired, etc. I understand. She said she would offer her front porch, but it was too cold. Weeks ago I was a regular invited guest into her home, but I guess that is no more. It's very sad, and for me, seems to be a regular occurrence in my friendships. Serve my purpose, get the hell out. We have been out to our favorite watering hole the past two Fridays where male and female spouses were also there (though previously we all went together and their daughter would babysit for us) and it was very, very tense. It just sucks. That's really the only way I can explain it. It just sucks.

As for the rest of January, I have begun to work out twice a day at least 5 days per week and of course haven't dropped a pound. Oh well, It gives me a break from the kids, and a way to work out frustrations.

I went to Akron a few weeks ago with two of my friends from back home (Canton). We had a great time, something I really needed, and I think we have a plan in the works to go to Vegas or California this July. Just what the doctor ordered.
Me, Renee, & Rhiannon (In Cleveland in November for NKOTB!!)

Rhiannon & Me at the club in Akron.


















So also with the start of January, came the snow, recently the 12 inches that fell on Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. I was house bound all day yesterday and broke out the 4 wheel drive last night to go to the gym. G was called out of town (surprise, surprise) for at least a week, so I'm stuck inside with the kids. Thank god for the gym! I hate snow, especially when it starts to melt, turns to slush, mud, etc. Blach. Give me Autumn, and I'd be happy. But I suppose we have seasons for a purpose, much like everything else.

I have (well, G and I) also decided to try for another baby this year before Emily and Jake get too much older. So back on clomid I go, so we'll see what happens. We've actually been at it since last year, but nothing, hence the clomid. I'm sure that my stress hasn't helped much either, but hopefully we'll get there. I'd love to have two more back to back, so each kid has a buddy close in age, but we'll see. I don't want to live in a shoe box either, so maybe just one more ;-)

I think that's it. For now.

Kicking off the New Year

I am sitting, tired as all get out, at my in-laws house on January 1, 2000 freaking 9. We had a party last night at our house, and it went really well. My old co-workers came, their friends, and we had a great time. Drank champagne and rang in the new year. Two of our friends didn't make it over until well after the ball dropped. I was a little upset, as we are particularly close with these two friends and I had looked forward to spending time with them... but I digress.

In as few words as possible, I will try to explain why this year, hands down has taken the cake as the worst new years ever. Cheating. Lying. Rock ME Hard Place. I had to break the news to one of my very good friends that their spouse was cheating. It was awful. Terrible. There are not words to describe. And I can't even really talk about it anymore, because I don't know what else to do or say to anyone anymore. I'm just sick about the whole situation, and how it all went down.

Welcome to 2009.

Gettng it together

Emily's teacher and I, Miss Mary, have a word for the world Emily seems to enter when she gets "spacey" and unfocused and generally unfocused on the task at hand. At that point she has entered "Emily's world" and we're hard pressed to get her out of it until she's good and ready. The past two weeks I have been in "Emily's world" and I cannot for the life of me escape! I have realized that Christmas is only like, what 7 days away, and haven't planned any of the menus for Christmas Eve, Christmas breakfast or Christmas day, barely have finished shopping for everyone and am still unable to figure out what to get G, and feel generally out of it most days making me feel as if I have accomplished nothing.

When I worked, I could juggle 30+ cases, prioritize clients needs and wants, talk on the phone send emails and research all at once, likely jotting down a grocery list at the same time. Then I came home at night and did it all on the home front and got it all done and then some. Since being home, I feel like I have lost my ability to do all this, maybe because I have more time, certainly not more energy, and mostly because my day only consists of 4-5 constant "clients" who I can please with a funny story, a juice box and a cookie.

It's hard, to identify yourself for so long by your career, with everything else coming right a long behind it, and now, to identify myself as only wife/mom. Which I know technically entails more work being done than the later label of paralegal, but still.

I did however, accomplish the baking/making of Buckeyes, Carmel Corn, White Chocolate Peanut Pretzels, cut out cookies, and peanut brittle, as well as packaging in what I believe could be the cutest and creative packaging I have ever accomplished (anyone who knows me knows that I don't have an ounce of creativeness in my body!). Emily and I delivered them to our neighbors, a deed which she was so proud of. Thinking on that, I'd say maybe I did bust out of "Emily world" for a day or two.

Anyway, today, if you will note, is Wednesday, and my wine is waiting, but G has to work, so I'll need to transfer the friend to whine with me - though thinking now, there really isn't so much to whine about ;-)

Goodnight.

Thankful...

I just wanted to put a thought out there quickly...

As G wrestles with the kids in the bath, I am downstairs listening to Avery (one I babysit, not one I gave birth to!) talk to himself as he plays, and I am preparing to go to Whine (Wine) Wednesday (wherein we sit, drink and whine about anything and everything!!!) at my friend Mary's house, I just keep thinking how damned blessed we are (those two words go well together... sheesh!) with everything we have. I see so many families struggling to make it, so many friends I know personally who have lost their house, jobs, life savings, etc. and realize that while my own family has definitely had its struggles and cut backs, we have been relatively untouched by all of the things going wrong all around us. I'd like to think that we have a lot to do with it, which in part, we have, but I also sometimes just think we are extremely lucky. I am not one and have never been one to put faith in anything but myself, and I'm not someone to rely on the kindness and "gifts" of another. I believe in God, but not the way most people do, and a part of me is just I'm waiting for it to come crashing in, but I know that if it does, we'll make it through.

It's been a while

So it has been a while - I neglected this thing for a few errr, many months.

Once in the midst of spring, we are now entering the cold of winter and not too much has changed. I got through Emily's birthday, and her turning 5 wasn't too bad. We have tons of friends come and celebrate with us and though I've been meaning to, I haven't sent thank you cards (that was back in September). So hopefully everyone knows I'm thankful to them. I'd post some pictures but they are on my lap top, which is officially dead for now. I need to buy another power cord but they are so damned expensive. I've got one in WV, but just haven't been there lately to get it.

Anyway, hopefully someone will link me to the pictures taken this weekend of the Christmas party we hosted for the neighborhood families and the kids. It was a great turn out, and though I was not the creative genius behind most of it, I still felt quite a bit of accomplishment. I used to loose my mind when having to host these types of things, and my terrible overwhelming urge to clean up behind everyone left me having no fun at all. But lately I actually left the mess until THE NEXT DAY and went out with my friend Sara for drinks and socializing while we left the men here with the kids and the mess! It all got cleaned up (by Sunday evening!) and I had such fun catching up with our friends and neighbors. We are very lucky to live next to such great families. Our kids with have good friends to grow up with - so long as no one moves too soon!

I'm going to try to keep up on this thing so that family, friends etc. and keep up with me, the kiddos, and oh yes, my husband G ;-) We'll see how it goes, but maybe since we're stuck inside most days I'll have more time to post.

edited reality

I had lunch today with one of my friends whom I haven't seen in a while. We've been friends since senior year in high school, and if anyone would have told me that we would still be friends into our late 2o's and almost 30's, I wouldn't have believed them. She just went through - well, actually still going through - a divorce, and it has actually taken it's toll on G and I to. Her husband was G's friend in high school and college, and that's how we met. The 4 of us were great friends, moved to the same town, got married, had kids the whole nine. When their marriage fell apart, I got stuck in the middle, as I always do, and, long story short, the four of us split in half. So anyway, they have both gone onto date seriously other people, which is fine, but I don't think anyone is telling the whole story.

I don't think anyone communicates fully with anyone anymore. Even now, as I type, I am holding back certain information. I wish there was no reason to edit anything - thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, - just let it all out. But there is no possibility of this.

So friend and I were having lunch today, and I felt like she was holding back, not saying what she wanted to, and not opening up about what was really going on. I felt the same way.

When did it all change? When did it become uncomfortable to speak the truth?

Mostly

So my son's 3rd birthday party was today. G and I went out last night and lets just say that the thought of turning down another drink never crossed my mind. So i dragged myself out of bed at 10 a.m., pretty sure I was still tipsy at that point, and faced the day. I had shopping to do, decorations to put up, balloons to buy. I felt (feel) completely awful, but I made it through. G's parents showed up with the kids at about noon, and my mom showed up shortly after. Hamburgers were had, cake was eaten, all and all a good afternoon.

For whatever reason Jake turning 3 has been difficult for me. My little guy is growing up so fast, it's painful sometimes. There are so many things I can't remember - things I thought I would never forget, and as time passes, it seems like its all just one really long day. Emily turning 5 will be heart wrentching. I try to imagine what things will be like when they are older, how I will help them deal with the things I know life will inevitably throw at them. How I will be able to raise them to be good people in this mostly horrible world. It's a grim outlook, but it's real.

For now, getting through the temper tantrums, the negotiating and compromise, the melt downs and time-out's is tough enough. I just hope we all make it out alive.

Blog

So I have never blogged before. I read them. I'm not really sure what to write - generally I feel like I don't have a ton to say - however, I am sure that will change.